Now Go
by lamatikah
Summary: Roxas was nowhere to be found, and Axel was lying to himself. akuroku oneshot.


Axel felt winded.

He felt as though all the breaths he had ever taken just surged through him and disappeared up, up and away.

He lay on the floor, chuckling at the idea. Staring up, watching, imagining he was seeing them go. Instead he saw himself leave the world.

It was a strange and mysterious thing to watch. It didn't even hurt. Soft black streams of what Axel could only assume were his soul – presuming he had a soul, maybe all he was was a soul – worked a slow but deliberate path up into the ether. Into the heavens.

He would try and reach up to touch them maybe. But he didn't have the energy.

Sora came pounding towards him. Donald and Goofy gave a respectable distance. Jerks. He was dying. They could at least act inappropriately. Fuck some shit up.

Sora said some things. With the little strength remaining, Axel replied. He said some things back. He joked around. He told Sora what he had to do.

For the first few moments, Axel was scared. He was too scared to look into a fifteen year old kid's eyes. He kept watching the swirling patterns of sky envelop and absorb his being. He couldn't look Sora in the eye, because what if _he _wasn't there? What if blondie was somewhere else? What if once you found your somebody again, you stopped existing? What if Rox didn't exist anymore?

Not impossible.

Whirls of red and yellow and orange danced overhead.

Existence. Am I right?

He'd had a day of taking risks. He'd had a whole life, or whatever else it was anyone wanted to call his existencee, of taking risks. He was damn well gonna look in that kid's eyes. And he was damn well going to see Roxas one last time. One last time before – before the churning abyss took him completely.

But he still couldn't bring himself to.

He knew what he would see. Sora. Just Sora. That little kid who was going around, saving the world, finding his friends, defeating bad guys. Whatever.

He had caught glimpses earlier. He had seen Sora before. Knew what they looked like. Sora had these deep blue eyes like the sea, or maybe the sky. They were the sort of eyes which seemed to hold entire worlds inside; Axel could almost imagine the waves crashing against the shore and the gulls crying. He choked a laugh and thought about how much Sora belonged on the island he desperately needed to return to. Sora needed to go home.

Axel thought about how Sora searched the worlds for his friends, but the only person Axel wanted to find was part of Sora. Sora had him. It was selfish really. Especially since Sora had his whole life to find his friends and, well, Axel supposed he did too. But it didn't seem to be lasting as long as Sora's had so far. He just wanted Sora to give him something. A hint, an idea. Something to tell him Roxas was behind those bright eyes, watching Axel, waiting for Axel to turn around and see him again.

_Gods_, Axel thought. _You're not there, are you._

Nothing. Nothing from Mr. Loud Mouth. Captain Sassy. Admiral Quick Wit of the Backtalking Brigade. And it was kind of sad and it was kind of funny because Roxas had never liked Axel as much as Axel had liked Roxas.

It was a bit of a joke really. But in his defence, Axel had only really liked Roxas because he liked the idea of being able to get your somebody back and Roxas made him feel like there was a whole other realm of possibility and change and not just the black coats and the dark world. Roxas had given him this weird glow of hope. The others would make fun of the way Axel would ask to be assigned with Roxas on missions and would follow him round the castle; much to Roxas's teasing reproach and bright laughter.

Axel sighed. He was lying to himself. In the last moments of his life, Roxas was nowhere to be found, and Axel was lying to himself. He didn't like Roxas just for that. Sure, the kid was a beautiful glimmer of something more between the miserable slats of life at the Organization. But, Axel really genuinely liked him.

"He made me feel," he admitted, "like I had a heart."

He inwardly chuckled. _This guy. Crouching there like I'm more important than Kairi and Riku and his home._

"It's kind of funny," he said. Even though it wasn't.

He finally brought himself to do it. He turned to look at Sora. He fixed his scrutiny on those hideously lovely blue eyes and looked hard.

"You make me feel," he paused. He felt the motivation to hold on slipping. Roxas was not there. Roxas was not staring back at him. Roxas. "-the same."

Oh man. Sora was that same sunbeam. That same face, giving him dumb false hope. Making him believe in some life beyond the little he had. Maybe that was the part of Roxas inside of him, emanating waves of glorious courage and possibilities. Possibilities. But actual Roxas, Roxas that wasn't just a part of something else, he wasn't there. The Roxas who was akin with Axel and made jokes that were pure Roxas and would eat sea salt ice cream even in the pouring rain and had a real life. Axel remembered when Roxas thought he was just a normal teenager and he was on summer vacation. Axel wondered if a nobody could believe that, then perhaps a nobody could be anything.

Could be anything.

"Kairi's in the castle dungeon. Now go!"

With one last push Axel summoned a portal.

And he went.

* * *

an: hi long time no speak ok sorry this is just because i was getting v emotional about axel and roxas and the fact that axel never gets to see him again before he fades away and it makes me cry sorry if this is wrong if you feel it's not in canon then pretend it's au


End file.
